Scariest Single Person
if a single person were a tornado this would be it
Imagine a crisp night out, fresh into a tanned summer and you’re joining friends out at a local bar for a few that could turn into a few too many.
As the liquor flows you begin to notice types of people thinking you’re Odd Thomas spotting Bodacks. Except the person we are tracking is the the serial killer of dating.
To your left is a the slightly out of place person buying drinks for someone you presume is the apple of their eye tonight and about to get hit with a “thanks for the drink” and no follow up. While they might be the smiley face killer this is not the serial killer of being single.
Against the wall is a girl who looks like she uses hinge to get dates with her profile saying “you should not go out with me if you believe in 50/50” and that’s how she eats her meals for the week (she’s not skinny it’s bordering on an eating disorder). She’s not who this is geared toward either but she too sucks.
The next girl wouldn’t give you her phone # yet she told you to ask her out on Instagram DMs after following and seeing she’s a “model”. She’s probably holding out for a NBA or NHL player. Good luck to her but once you have the kid I hope that prenup backfires and you get cheated on.
Then, there’s the shmuck in the corner over dressed holding out a credit card with his dad’s name on it ready to give her that life. I hope he ends up with the girl above. They’ll both cheat on each other (think Theo James and his wife in White Lotus).
Next, a girl who’s snapchat flash has shown you more of her face than her even remotely looking up from her phone. Let’s keep it moving.
At the end of the bar lies the Peter Pan meets Barney Stinson cross over who is not making eye contact with the group of guys he came with as he is probably snapchatting that other girl as well as fifteen other girls whose contact names are their first names plus some random emojis.
Too aloof to be the scariest and easy to avoid because they are already avoiding you. Again, hope they find love in this hopeless place those crazy kids.
The last easiest person to avoid is the bro in the backwards hat, golf polo who might hit you with the weird lip pull things thinking he’s the main character in a romcom. That’s almost too easy and so real I’ve seen it live multiple times.
The human tornado of being out of a relationship is the person who’s eyes dart from end to end of the bar looking for love. We call them… the Serial Monogamist.
The Serial Monogamist is someone you never see coming but they have been coming after you. They will probably love bomb you the day after you pollinate each other’s flowers and maybe you’ll feel swoon. This is when you need to be on high alert.
This is their trap. They’ve got you in a chokehold and you think you’re in lock step but actually they’re jumping out of one relationship to get to you into their next. Just pray they let you go after a week or two and move on because the long term SM-ers will gaslight you more than Trump in 2016.
I want to write more about the serial monogamist but I don’t study them enough to fully know them. This would be a fun psychological study though to wind up in Daily Mail or the magazine you see leaving the grocery store.