Closet Collapsed

this is not a pride month pun, this literally happened last Sunday

This would have been a great pun for a coming out story if I were gay considering that I am writing this in June. Alas, it is simply me over analyzing my closet collapsing as though it is some stoic euphemism for my life currently.

Let me paint the picture of what happened. Sunday morning (rain is not falling), it is instead rather sunny with a subtle breeze as I am driving home. My Saturday night was quaint as I did not go out and spent it inside taking on a familiar yet new stage in life, a summer night inside enjoying a show.

My sister stayed at my place while I was away for the evening. While driving home I was chuckling to myself about the idea of pissing her off by turning on my ostensibly bright overhead light to wake her up before I change to lounge on my deck. As I open the door and my fingers flick the switch upward, I begin saying “SEESTER SEESTER GOOD MOR-WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TO MY CLOSET!”.

Without even moving her head she turns and says, “I was going to text you to ask you if you saw this before leaving last night”. I am standing there stunned, my blissful morning had literally come crashing down. But that sheer moment of slight anger was all I had in me; I was too elated about my current station in life to be as bothered as a younger version of myself would have been. Also, it was not my first rodeo in having too many clothes inside my closet and for it to come crashing down. I have owned too many clothes for longer than I can remember.

Instead, I laughed and thought about my buddy Leo’s favorite expression “too much dip on your chip”. Previously, I struggled to take that phrase seriously as it is rather tongue and cheek when you read/say it aloud. But in that moment, it was the perfect phrase to summarize how my closet collapsing felt. My life is pretty fucking awesome, but I did not need that much dip on my chip. The chip being the clothes themselves. It was no longer a euphemism… just a reality check.

My job has been going well, friends seem solid as I gain new ones and lose old ones I don’t keep contact with, life keeps getting more expensive, but I know that and can deal with it. The only thing I had not addressed in all this passing of time as my late twenties are drawing closer and closer to my thirties was my abundance of clothes.

I own three pink polos… like who am I an early 2000’s Kanye? I have held onto pastel pants that feel like they’re from a different century. Amongst that were some oddly patterned dress shirts (maybe I got them at Dan Flashes and forgot?), and two seersucker jackets like who needs two? There are enough jerseys that a good amount of frat guys could form a round robin beer die tournament of 2000’s/2010’s Patriots, classic NBA players, some insanely deep pull NFL players like Cardinals legend Beanie Wells / San Diego Super-Chargers “legend” #84 Chris Davis, and last but not least we could have not one but TWO Terrelle Pryor’s (no relation to Richard). Additionally, there is a decade of concert merch and way too many ties and other pants styles that are far too skinny to look stylish today. Oh, and three finance bro-type vests I do not wear.

I say all of this to say even when life is great, and you feel a calm breeze that there is always time to fine tune aspects of yourself. I am aware that this a complete first world problem all around, but it was a Sunday funny to reflect upon. Honestly, if this happened during the week I would have had a completely different reaction. I would probably stew in a woe is me mindset for the evening while I would ctrl+alt+delete a pint of Ben and Jerry’s to “console” myself. Timing was key for understanding my reaction and emotional state. That of which I am quite thankful for because nobody wants to deal with that in the middle of a work week.

If you made it this far and your life feels great, maybe so-so, or in the gutter ask where the dip is on your chip. It sounds silly now, but when you eventually take that bite and it is not as you expected you’ll think back to this like I thought of all the times Leo would say this exact phrase. Some of you might need even more dip on your chip, and for those of you who do I say bonne chances mes amis!

Unrelated I have been watching Sex and the City all the way through for the first time and while I am a total Samantha writing these Substack’s has me realizing I have a lot of Carrie tendencies. I am currently a good chunk into season five for those wondering & starting to just feel terrible for Steve. Mr. Big just read Carrie’s book to her and that might have been my favorite Mr. Big moment so far because every aspect of their relationship perturbs my existence, not as bad as Trey and Charlotte did though. Also, Aiden going back to Carrie in S4 felt like a slap in the face.

This piece was supposed to be a Modern Dating Update for the fans, but I’ll do that later when I am more in the mood for those. They have been losing their fervor as my love life is in a calm state and writing about other people’s is not as fun as I want it to be. Also, they were giving a poor man’s Carrie Bradshaw impression so my apologies!

P.S. Leo assuming you’re reading this to yourself so congrats I wrote a whole Substack based on your quote and I gave you credit, you’re welcome for the lay-up! Also, answer in the group chat so we can make plans for the World Cup Game Friday quit being a fucking communist.