Breaking Down Boston
identifying the cool & not so cool beans in beantown
If you don’t think Boston started America humor me; Nobody knows what happened to Roanoke, Jamestown is Shamestown, and St. Augustine is technically the oldest city in this country but was founded by Spaniards so by the McGraw-Hill history standards it does not count.
Welcome to the Tea Party City. Living in Boston comes with quirks that feel unlike most cities. I’m not just talking about the old architecture, loving sports teams like they’re your first born child or the bad Mexican food. Let’s talk about the people first then the areas that encapsulate them.
Yuppies
attended a school they think is prestigious (prep and/or college)
if they were an athlete there, they will wear the apparel like they still have a 6 am lift tomorrow
high % chance they don’t pay their rent or parents bought their apt but they will venmo request you if you rip their vape
wear brands like alo, lulu, etc to show their status
if you meet one wearing bean boots… RUN
…also they’re big on vests
Massholes
loud, proud and hammered around town
hangs out with mostly their high school and/or college friends that live in the city
their family is one type of summer vacationer: Cape, NH Lake, Maine, Rhode Island, or Lake George
blue collar massholes will roast you mid cigarette then ask you if you’d like one & a beer
friend group always has some complex dating history/drama but it’s better than any soap opera or the series Friends itself
some massholes double as yuppies and some of them are cool but gotta call it how I see it (even if I fit into one or both these categories some days)
grew up w a/Carlton Banks-esque dad and am writing this like what did you honestly think was going on here
Grad Students (not from the north east)
cannot pronounce Worcester, Leominster, Haverhill, Scituate, Billerica, or Woburn
also probably do not pay their rent but will probably end up making more money than you after school so be nice
will be the first to tell you how stand off ish/unwelcoming the girls are at bars (apparently there is a girls bathroom etiquette regarding complimenting others that MA women do not adhere to)
“ I did not realize how white Boston is” - a quote I’ve heard from many non white grad students that always gives me a chuckle
“New City, New Me” People
usually from New England/North east area and moved to Boston for their jobs
those coming from across the coast why did you leave better weather for this?
living with college friends from the area usually or could be random
could be fun, could be a weirdo - more often than not met some cool cats in this category
Now that I’ve shared my reflection on different groups of people I have encountered in my time in the city let’s break down the areas
North End
one of the most fun areas to go out to eat or have a fun night of cocktails and pastries with friends
tightly spaced apartments, negative parking + a great presence of the mob makes the homemade pasta delicious
tend to meet a lot of nurses who live over here or people who work in an office downtown / wfh 1-2 days a week
Fenway
filled with undergad college kids and grad students mostly in my opinion
bars there are filled with the same audience unless its the summer and the sox are playing
MGM is a fun new venue to see a show at and it’s Fenway, nothing like the ballpark in the summer you know
Seaport
this is where you find most of the yuppies that do not pay their own rent
Trilium is fun, good shopping areas, but ultimately this area has a detached feel compared to the rest of the city like it’s its own thing
Cisco can be a fun time, Lucky’s is a great dive, Row 34 for seafood and if you want to drop some bread eat along the water one day
The summer boat cruises are a fucking blast if you hit the right one w/friends
King’s bowling can also be a great low key time with friends and fuck puttshack it’s way too short/kitsch of a mini golf experience
Downtown
tell me how you got an apartment here if you live here
or maybe you go to Emerson/Suffolk which is valid and sounds lit
everyone loves the common when the weather is nice not much else to say
Nash Bar is kinda dumb, Wang/Wilbur are very fun for a comedy show
Faneuil Hall
gave this its own section to specifically talk about the bars; if you are over 23 (this is generous) at Ned Divines you should have to knock on doors to tell people you are a groomer
Hong Kong is fair game but you better be singing cause I got Valerie on deck
Carrie Nation low key vibes
White Bull and all the other bullshit is the same as the west end in terms of you just probably graduated college
South End
easily my favorite area of Boston to walk around and eat in, beautiful apartments and diverse food selection you cannot go wrong over here
best street parking in the city, mix of people between subsidized housing, Med/Dental school, and the boujee bahstids who bought apartments 20-30 years ago and live in luxury now (I envy them)
highly recommend this area for a good dinner date or casual stroll by yourself
restaurants: beehive, franklin cafe, petit robert, estragon, barcelona (basic ik), delux cafe
Southie
“Southie bros” are a real thing - basically if they ask for any social media before your phone # just run
you probably got a ticket parking here or maybe even towed (have done both)
Food here is nothing to write home about - would not recommend going on dates here but more or less going out with your friends and playing the Kevin Bacon Game (6 Degrees of separation) of who knows who at whatever bar you go to
sneaky underrated spot for food and beers: Castle Island Brewery
Keeping my favorite dive here to myself so y’all don’t gentrify it on me
DOT aka Dorchester
cheap, decent parking, not the safest but can feel homie
good for anyone working down south shore and likes to sit on 93 and contemplate why they did this to themselves
if you like soccer I recommend checking out the banshee
Cambridge
low key slept on in some regard but also like Harvard/MIT are there so is it?
lot of fun to be had over here, and Felipe’s is decent in terms of Mexican food but the pacifico’s on their rooftop hit different in the summer time
highly recommend going to concerts at the Sinclair over here, never went to one where I had a bad time
Man Ray club is a wild time if you’ve never been and recommend going once to see how you like it
Beacon Hill
another really cool part of Boston with tiny apartments but immaculate vibes
mix of yuppies and massholes, fun dives and good times, good for Sunday walks in the spring/summer
summertime rooftops over here slap harder than a five star on a bare back
West End
mix of young professionals and people who will leave Boston after a year or two
bars over here are for the kids who graduated from the Fenway bar scene (22-25 year old’s)
Sully’s before the B’s or C’s to hang with some locals and name random players like Jonas Jerebko
Occasionally been known to slam 10-15 grey goose Moscow mules at tavern in the square when the vibes are good
JP aka Jamaica Plain
honestly not super familiar with this area or its people but when my brother lived here we got really good food
lots of hills so I cannot imagine parking being fun
you’d think rent would be cheaper but when I was apt hunting this area did not exactly present inexpensive rent
Somerville aka Cambridge Adjacent
a $20+ uber to get over here from other parts of city not named Cambridge unless you like the use of public transportation to an area that reminds me of Worcester
the Burren is cool but smells like homemade deodorant and stale IPA’s, heard food is pretty good
low key sneaky good breakfast spots and over priced but well renovated apartments
strikes me as the place a couple would retire to before they leave the city for the burbs
Allston/Brighton
These are far enough out of the city I am lumping them together
good vibes over here, nothing crazy going on but pretty spacious living, solid food
usually house partying over here but I do know Brighton Music Hall to be a fun time, also RoadRunner is a great newer venue
East Boston aka Eastie
Santarpios pizza is the best hole in the wall pizza iykyk
Tall Ship in the summer to get seasick
Please don’t ask me to go Encore cause we’re over here please don’t
Constitution Beach >
If you made it this far congratulations! Your torture is over, if you’ve got something to add please comment it below!
From the desk of the one & only,
Cadrin P. Msumba